I've been quiet on this subject for far too long. How important is any conversation you're having on your cell phone that you MUST continue it in the stall of the public bathroom? In the past few weeks I've heard at least 5 phone calls which should have been kept absolutely private, but instead were placed or continued in the stall of a public bathroom while the woman was taking a dump.

Topics I've heard discussed in the public bathroom in my building:
1. Domestic dispute between boyfriend and girlfriend.
2. Pregnancy scare - this woman was actually taking a pregnancy test in the stall while on the phone. Disgusting.
3. Child care and discipliine.
4. Negotiations/haggling about the price of a vehicle.
5. Fight with one's parents.

For many women the bathroom is a sacred place to gossip, share makeup tips, talk about their significant others, or just escape from a bad date. The bathroom is where you can be really honest with people you don't even know and tell a perfect stranger that underneath your concealer lies a zit the size of Mt. Everest. It's okay in the bathroom because women understand these things. Now, the bathroom bonding that many women were a part of is replaced by a life so jam-packed with kids, work, school, soccer, daycare, etc. that there is no time to bond, only time to take that pregnancy test and run.

Sad. And gross.

I was waiting in line to get a bagel today and there was a man standing in front of me waiting for a smoothie. I noticed that he struck up a conversation with the cute girl in front of him and when she left he pulled out a cell phone and I think checked messages. Then, for some reason unbeknownst to me he started to sing. You've seen people like this, right? They sing at random and not under their breath. They sing at a normal speaking volume. They sing because they have a song in their heart and feel they must share it with the general public. After a few measures of what I think was gospel music I felt this man's eyes on me. He was staring at me! He didn't glance at me sideways or give me a quick once-over. It was like he was trying to burn holes through the side of my face. "You look like you're in a hurry" he says to me. Oh, really? What tipped you off? Was it my tapping toe, the look of impatience on my face, or me biting my lower lip? I'm really not in that much of a hurry at this point but I was anxious because I didn't want to talk to him. The following conversation ensued.

Me: "Yeah, I'm at work"
Crazy: "Where do you work?"
Me: "Downstairs in the CSD"
Crazy: "What do you do?"
Me: "I advise Campus Activities students."
Crazy: "Yeah? That's cool."

So, he finally got his smoothie and I got my bagel and we parted ways. I know some of you are going to think I'm a bitch but I just wasn't in the mood this morning. I'm normally really, really nice. I think I found his singing off-putting. It was 8:30 a.m., I was hungry and was not feeling very social.

The moral of the story is: Maybe he has a song in his heart and that's great. I just don't want to hear it.

p.s. - I LOVE to sing...just ask Stimply. I sing in the car all the time. Loudly. However, I choose not to be one of "those people" in public.

I noticed that the beloved "We Are the Internet" video was at the very bottom of the page and I feel like it's my duty to knock it off the main page.

To answer your question Stimply, it took almost 2 months to get it off the main page. We don't post enough!

I'll explain the exciting new "graphic" at the top of three-rings. I was at work one day and needed a brain break. I decided to start coming up with logos for three-rings based on the premise of the website being three-ring circus. A few days later I drew my vision of a circus tent in Paint, sent it to Stimply, and there it is. I know it's not great, but I was at work...using Paint...and I was drunk.

Stimply told me last night that I'm now in charge of the polls on three-rings. I've taken to calling myself "Pollmaster D." I hope y'all enjoy the polls, and please shoot any ideas you have my way.

Also, watch Jay Leno tonight because he's having Kinky Friedman on the show. I know, I know...I don't like him, either. However, I do like Kinky Friedman.

I just made a poll without help from ANYONE! I logged in, followed the directions, screwed up three or four times, fixed it, and now a poll is all ready for your votes. I feel very proud right now! Also, I just wasted 30 minutes of work time, but whatever...I MADE A POLL!!

I've been looking for this ringtone for a very, very long time. Stimply knows all about my obsession, so I'll clue the rest of you in. I love, love, love the theme song from Benny Hill. Call me a freak, but it makes me laugh every time I hear it. I've been wanting that stupid song on my cell phone forever, and I found it on the shitty applications Verizon Wireless provides. However, it sounds really bad and I don't like it. This is the one I want. Choose Benny Hill (v2) to listen. This is exactly what it has to sound like.

Confidential to Oldtimey: Thank you for telling Stimply to buy me shoes. You're my new best friend!

All the store managers are bitches! Before you get all up in arms let me explain myself. I went to Victoria's Secret the other day to exchange a bra that had become misshapen. Prior to leaving my house I called the store, explained that the bra had been worn and washed (according to the care instructions) and asked if they would still exchange it. The girl on the phone said yes so I brought the undergarment in question to the store and then all hell broke loose. Before I continue I'll tell you that I used to work at Victoria's Secret, so I understand the delicate care that undergarments and lingerie need.

When I arrived at the store I spoke to a salesgirl who then had to go get a manager to approve the exchange. The manager came over, looked at the bra and asked me if I had a receipt. I told her no and that I'd spoken with a girl earlier who told me it could be exchanged. She said that since I didn't have a receipt there was NOTHING she could do for me because she didn't know how long I'd had the bra. Then she told me that the life of a bra is only 2-4 months!! 2-4 MONTHS?? Would any woman pay upwards of $30 for a bra that's only going to last 4 months? HELL NO! So, the bitch was rude, dismissive, and a liar. She offered no help, not a "let me see what I can do," or a "I think we still have this bra in the store," (which they did because it wasn't old). I left bra in hand and on a mission to ruin her life. When I got home I called the home office of VS in Ohio. I explained to the very nice Client Relations lady what happened and she told me 1. the life of a bra is 6-12 months and 2. there is never a reason why a client should be turned away if they want to exchange something, with or without a receipt. That's how it was when I worked there. You could return stuff you'd had for 5 years if something happened to it. If you had the receipt, you'd get the full price you'd paid 5 years ago, too! So, that freaking bitch lied to me! TWICE!! I was assured that this matter would be brought up with the district manager, who happens to work at the same store as the bitch. I also got a voucher for a free bra that should be coming in the mail really soon. However, being the spiteful bitch that I am I'm not letting it go. I'm making an appointment to speak with the district manager myself so I can tell her just how rude and bitchy that woman was. So, I've boycotted Victoria's Secret forever. I can get overpriced panties somewhere else.

I'm not even sure what to say about this story...doesn't anyone in Oklahoma have anything better to do?

It seems that every time I go shopping lately that the clothes are getting smaller and smaller. This seems contradictory to the fact that every year Americans are getting bigger, but I digress. I know for you men folk out there that this post will be neither interesting nor beneficial to you. I haven't grown much in the past few years, but everything is SO short, tight, and seems to be missing vital parts (i.e. stomachs out of shirts)...even the arms and shoulders of jackets are getting shorter and more narrow! I was at the mall the other day in one of those cheap-y girl stores, and I felt like Andre the Giant perusing the racks at Gymboree. I have finally resigned myself to only shopping in the Misses section of department stores, or only shopping in stores where the clothes are cut for people who don't have freakishly long, skinny legs combined with a gut and no ass.
Being a woman with derriere to spare, I was naturally very excited to see this article. Finally, my people can escape the confines of the dressing room and "shake that healthy butt" as Sir Mix-a-Lot once said.
p.s. I know I sound really old. Yes, I've used the phrase "kids these days!" For those of you who aren't aware, I'm only 22. Please don't laugh too hard.